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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27722156">To He Whom Loathes Himself</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowbeaus/pseuds/cowbeaus'>cowbeaus</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Kieran &amp; Arthur Friendship Time [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidental Outing, Arthur Is Probably Not Straight, Coming Out, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I Try To Tag But I'm Not That Good At It, Internalized Homophobia, Kieran and Arthur Friendship Supremacy, Kieran is gay, Mocking, Panic Attacks, Rewrite, Self-Harm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:49:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,378</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27722156</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowbeaus/pseuds/cowbeaus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When he looked around camp, Kieran was thankful. Thankful for many, many things.</p><p>The situation he had found himself in, however, was not one of those things.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kieran Duffy &amp; Arthur Morgan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Kieran &amp; Arthur Friendship Time [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2049141</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>!! TW:<br/>Kieran has a PANIC ATTACK, and SELF-HARMS. If this bothers you at all, I reccomend not reading. !!</p><p>*THIS IS A REWRITE.*</p><p>A few months ago, when I was only about 3/4 through the game, I wrote a quick fanfic. Now I kin Kieran, understand the characters a bit better, and haven't suffered from a proper panic attack in months.<br/>Woohoo.</p><p>THIS IS THE LINK TO THE OG:<br/>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24191698/chapters/58269757</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Kieran looked around camp, he was thankful.</p><p> </p><p>Thankful for his own safety, thankful for the occasional companionship he was offered, thankful to have escaped Colm.. </p><p>Goodness, there were so many things to be thankful for.</p><p>However, the situation he had found himself in was not one of those things.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He remembers, in quite vivid detail, the sultry look a lady working at the saloon had given him. The feeling of anxiety rising in his chest. The drunken, confused expressions on the faces of the other men when he turned her down and shuffled uncomfortably in his seat.</p><p>It kept rushing to his head nearly the whole day after, and it only got worse when he actually sat down by the fire for a nighttime gathering.</p><p>"Jesus, O'Driscoll! I knew you was an odd fella, but I didn't think you'd turn down a pretty, willing whore." Micah sneered at him and took a swig of his drink.</p><p>"H-hey! For one, I am not an O'Driscoll no more, and secondly, she… well, I, uh…" Kieran's voice started to get quiet and he looked at the ground, turning red with shame.</p><p>Bill cackled, speaking in a slurred voice, "What? You can't come up for a reason you was acting like a damn cornered rabbit?"</p><p> </p><p>As the rest of the gang laughed and Kieran flushed in embarrassment, Uncle stepped in front of the fire.</p><p>"Hey, now, let him be. He's just a young guy and maybe he felt a little nervous about saying yes.." Kieran thought, for a second, he was being serious, but the moment everyone went quiet, Uncle grinned and slapped his knee.</p><p>"Hah! I'm just kidding. Teasing an O'Driscoll is just about the most fun folks can have around here."</p><p>Once again, the gang got loud, with cheering, whistling, and loud laughing all around.</p><p> </p><p>Kieran sighed, and he was sure they could all hear him, but nobody seemed to care.</p><p> </p><p>As hours passed, the group dwindled and most of the women and less enthusiastic members had gone off to bed. And lucky for Kieran he topic of his time in the saloon had eventually been sent off into a pile of drunken ramblings. There were, however, more stories to replace it.</p><p> </p><p>"And I said, 'Hey you ugly bastard! Yer hat is too ugly for me to w-withstand! I'mma punch it off ya!' and then.. I punched him!" Bill nearly shouted, sloshing his most recent bottle for alcohol all over the front of his shirt. The other men cheered, drunken minds clearly believing the story. Kieran was a bit buzzed, but nowhere near drunk enough to not detect a lie.</p><p>"R-really. You punched this guy 'cause his hat was too ugly? And you got away with his?" Kieran spoke through the men's shouting and furrowed his brow. Bill blinked.</p><p>"Of course I fucking did. You not believin' me, O'Driscoll?" Bill bared his teeth for a second and spat on the ground near Kieran's feet. Kieran felt something rise in him.</p><p>"I am not a goddamn O'Driscoll! I stopped runnin' with them when y'all kidnapped me up in the mountains!" Kieran stood up, balling his fists. Bill followed, standing and puffing his chest out.</p><p>"Well you sure fucking act like one! Acting like a sad, brooding little shit, but then skittering off like a damn rodent when a working woman offers herself to ya!" Bill inched closer and Kieran's face went red. He grabbed the man's shirt, shoved him backwards, and shouted,</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't turn her down because I'm an O'Driscoll, I turned her down because I like men!"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Within a second, everyone around him went silent. The only noises were the wind brushing through the trees and animals scurrying through the woods. Kieran's eyes went wide, and all of the air seemed to leave his lungs.</p><p> </p><p>Kieran's face dropped, his expression going sour, his skin going pale, and tears pricking in the corners of his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>He took a single deep breath, and ran.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>(This is the chapter he has a panic attack and self-harms in. If those are triggers, please leave.)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kieran felt the wind hit his face, the distant smell of the campfire lingering in the air.</p><p>Tears flowed down his cheeks, and his nose was stopped up, making it feel like he couldn't breathe.</p><p>He collapsed against a tree, chest feeling tight, and hugged his knees to his chest.</p><p>He was so fucking stupid. The fresh memories of the screaming, the silence, the running all hit him like a train, square on the chest. It felt too familiar, too much like his dreams of the past he had tried so desperately to leave behind. </p><p>He was disgusting, wasn't he? Going so strongly against all of the morals that had been laid down for him since he was a kid. Going against what seemed to be all of society and their proper interests.</p><p>He should've said yes to that lady in the bar, should've gone along with it. Maybe then he wouldn't have been teased so badly. Maybe then he wouldn't have told them. </p><p>He felt his fingernails tear into his wrists, breaking the skin. Blood pooled and he could tell it was dripping down his arms, but he didn't care. He deserved to be hurt. </p><p>"Kieran, you out there?" A familiar voice called.</p><p>Arthur. </p><p>Kieran had always liked Arthur, in a way. Their first impression wasn't that great, but the way Arthur treated him after was really mattered. He treated him with respect, with something akin to kindness. He treated him like Kieran was an actual member of the gang.</p><p>Even after Kieran had gotten Colm's location wrong and nearly got left to die in the woods, Arthur forgave him. Kieran had saved his life, yeah, but the way Arthur accepted his shy apologizes was something new to Kieran.</p><p>"I-I'm down here.." Kieran replied softly. He let his blood soak into his sleeves and he made an attempt to wipe the thick tears off his face. He could only hope he didn't look too broken.</p><p>"Oh, there you are. I've been lookin' for you." Arthur crouched beside him and looked Kieran over. His expression seemed to go from curious, to worried.</p><p>"You doin' alright, boy? You don't.. look too good." </p><p>"I'm- I'm alright, Arthur." Kieran tried to say, but his voice was crackly and hoarse. </p><p>"I'm sorry to say this, but you clearly ain't. Your arms are hurt and you look like a wreck." Arthur pulled a rag from his pocket and wiped Kieran's face off, gently patting his shoulder as he did. </p><p> </p><p>"I guess I do. But I.. I have a right, Arthur. I just couldn't handle it when I said those, those damned words." He clawed at his wrists again, scrunching his face and breathing rapidly.</p><p>Arthur only seemed to grow more sympathetic, a mockery of someone who truly cared. But there wasn't a single reason to care for Kieran now.</p><p> </p><p>"It's okay." Arthur said, his voice clear and concise.</p><p> </p><p>"What?" Kieran paused his panic for a moment, looking up with wide eyes. His grip loosened on his wrists.</p><p> </p><p>"It's okay that you like men. It's okay that you're scared to say that. It's okay that you got all terrified when you let it slip. It's all okay." Arthur put a firm hand on his shoulder and looked at him. Something sparkled in his eyes, like he knew, like he understood.</p><p>"But, I.. something is wrong with me arthur. I'm a disgrace. Everyone hates me." Kieran's voice broke into a sob.</p><p>"No, they ain't, and no, there isn't. You are a perfectly fine man, Kieran, and no amount of shouting and crying in the woods will ever change that."</p><p> </p><p>Kieran felt the lingering tears in his eyes start to dry, and his breathing grew steady. Arthur sounded honest and true, like he was speaking from the heart. Even for an outlaw, Kieran could tell he wasn't trying to lie.</p><p>"I.. I suppose you're right. I just worry so much, about how y'all will think of me and treat me. I don't want to be tossed out again." He wiped the wetness from his face and used the rag to get the blood off his arms. </p><p>"It's gonna be okay. You didn't do nothin' wrong in getting upset and.." Arthur paused, shrugged, and grinned in the darkness.</p><p> </p><p>"They're all too drunk to remember."</p><p> </p>
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